When Amazing Things Come Together

Although I have a habitual practice of expecting good, I am amazed when things come together in such a way as to generate deep healing.

Even pain which has become such a familiar part of one’s life for decades can be suddenly addressed and healed.

I participated in such an event last night.

We were invited to a family gathering.

In the past, family gatherings had triggered so much current and past pain, they had become unbearable for me.

So I did the most compassionate self-care practice that I could.  

I withdrew for what became several peaceful years.

I was able to experience the first calm in my life during traditional holiday celebrations by simply maintaining my own quiet place.

I know there are many of you to whom this makes complete sense.

I was completely satisfied to continue this practice because of what it meant to me to be able to be peaceful.

It was the first time I found a way to remain in control of my life instead of experiencing violently disruptive feelings and panic attacks.

Through simple memory and later, therapy, I was able to discover why my disruption and panic were perfectly reasonable responses to holiday and family gatherings.

They were rooted in long-term childhood trauma, when I had no control over my environment or what went on in it.

Surprisingly, this time when we were invited to a birthday celebration, we accepted.

I prepared myself with what I need to handle panic attacks, my knitting and drawing supplies.

I know what to expect when I am around certain kinds of lighting, loud conversation and a confined space (which generates a feeling of not being able to escape).

I also know how I can deal with it, at least for a certain amount of time.

When I got to the gathering, I was surprised to be able to sit quietly and uneventfully for a period of time.

When I felt the panic begin to kick in, I took out my knitting.

People around me are used to me using various means to distract and calm myself.

I was able to stay calm and enjoy the dinner and participate in the conversation.

Whenever I felt my feelings escalating, I got my knitting out.  (I got quite a bit of knitting done.)

However, I also was able to remain for the entire time, even after some participants left.

I did hit my point of overwhelm, and was able to signal that I needed to leave immediately.

I was even able to be detained for photos, and continue my outward steps without any more symptoms.

I was impressed and amazed at being able to stay, and how comfortable I was visiting with my two daughters who were there, surrounded by the birthday girl’s in-laws and family.

The next day, I realized, by the lessening of other triggered physical symptoms, that I was experiencing deep healing.

To those of you who have been caught up in similar backgrounds, I offer encouragement.

There is a way to address your deep needs.

You are finding your way.

I am grateful if anything I have can help contribute to your deep healing as well.

© 2019 Kathryn Hardage

www.lovedcherishedadored.blogspot.com